Viva La Resistance: Excerpts From My First Blog | Swan Fungus

The other night while I was scoured my hard drive for old family photos I stumbled across the most-excellent curios! What did I discover? The contents of my all my old website(s), which date back to the FortuneCity and GeoCities days of Internet publishing. Ah, remember the Wild Wild West of free web space? I was able to create numerous websites for purposes ranging from band promotion to record reviews and general tween/teen idea vomit.

One of my favorite finds was my catalog of music and movie reviews that I published under the moniker ?Viva La Resistance!? It was my attempt to create my own Mark Prindle-ian rock and roll empire. It never happened, of course. I chose the Pitchfork scale (0.0 ?Reserved for boy bands, pop punk? to 10.0 ?I need to change my pants.?) and updated the site regularly between my high school and early college years. It was active between the years 2002-2005, and offers valuable insight into the mind that was soon to create Swan Fungus as an outlet for all things Evan LeVine.

The music and movie reviews were horrifying (more on those in a bit). My micro-blog updates about what was happening in my life offer keen insight into the mind that would soon begin this 7-year train-wreck of a quest I like to call my blog. Here are some random entries:

04/06/2002: It?s like I always say ? when something is broke, ask your Jamaican maid to fix it for you! Bearing this in mind, I?m fixing the ?Flicks? page (because my Jamaican maid has apparently been dead since 1991) because?well, because I didn?t realize the link has been broken for two months. Whoops! Basically when I?m finished fixing that portion of the site you will actually be able to read non-music reviews. Before long this will be a safe haven for any or all of the following, or maybe none of the above: movie reviews (duh), music reviews (roughly the same level of duh), concert reviews, review reviews, and porno reviews. Let?s get the ball rolling folks; we don?t have a moment to spare. Oh yeah, and if any more links aren?t working it?s because I got bored and went to watch some TV, so I apologize for that. As I bid you adieu for now, I?d like to ask just one favor of you? give me sex and drugs.

12/12/2002: Happy birthday mom, your check is in the mail. Just kidding, I forgot your mailing address and I don?t have a checkbook. What is this, the ?90s? Excuse me, hot ladies and gentlemen, the school year is once again half-over. How many more school years are there, you ask? Enough. Two and a semester. But who?s counting? Winter break is quickly approaching, and you all know what that means! A lot of nothing! Basically, I?ll be partying alone in my house because I hate all my friends, and eventually I will stumble my way up to Montreal to record an EP that is going to be a complete waste of money. At least I?ll get to drink and lose money at the casino. The trip won?t be completely useless. Speaking of useless, I?ve written almost an entire paragraph without mentioning drugs! The latest updates to the site were written during the tail-end of a codeine binge. If they don?t make sense, or seem unusually jaded (that is, even more jaded than usual), you know why. Now all I have to look forward to in my ?vitamin box? (that?s what I call it in front of my roommates) is about 5 milligrams of Xanax. Yeah, there?s an album review up too.

08/30/2003: You know what?s funny? I can go, like, six months without updating this page and I still feel like nobody gives a shit. From one school break to the next, I?m sitting here on what the natives call ?Summer Vacation.? Unfortunately it?s not as much of a break from school as I?d like, but I?ll take whatever I can get. Especially when it comes to pussy. Pussy vagina fart dick cock shit fuck. There, I got all the swears out for this month. Would you look at that? Microsoft Word didn?t even tell me that sentence had any grammatical errors! I half-expected it to say ?Fragment, consider changing,? but then again, why should I change for them? They can?t make me conform if I don?t want to. In fact, that?s the theme for tonight?s update. Let?s not conform to what everyone else thinks. In fact, let?s not conform to what I think! Albums deserving 7s will receive 3s! Let?s not conform to not conforming! And I?ll just grade things on the scale like I always do. God, I can?t fucking believe I?m sitting here typing this instead of sleeping. I need sleep. In any event, this isn?t a big update. I just found some articles I wrote for the school paper that were never posted here ? one concert review and one album review. Go check them out. It?s pure journalistic gold! (I?m crying as I type this because my editor sucks and makes me look like I have no grasp on the English language) Okay, here?s what I really want to tell you; here?s what you came here for: I do this for the chicks. Hell, as long as you?re not Roman Catholic I?d probably fuck your brains out. Inquire within.

04/19/2004: Wow. I went almost a full year without updating my own website. Can you believe that? Me? Growing tired of something I started? It?s unimaginable! Unless you know me, in which case, duh, I never finish anything I start. Tonight I?m going to put the TV on mute and I?m going to write more reviews than I?ve ever done at one time, dammit! I?m shooting for two reviews. So, how does one describe what?s been happening over the course of the past 8 months? Well, for starters, I developed a two-hundred dollar a day beastiality porn habit. That?s a lie, but this next sentence isn?t. I haven?t really done anything worthwhile since my last post. It?s basically been school and home. Vice and versa. Savage and Reinhold. Yin and Yang. Turner in Hooch. That?s the beastiality flick I just reviewed. Once in a while I?ll go see a concert. I haven?t seen any so far this year. Next week I turn 21. That should suck. Maybe it will teach me how to be more social? Sorry, I?m not ready to delve that deep into my psyche. I?ll save that for my LiveJournal. Now if you?ll excuse me, I?m going to write a review. Someday I hope to review every album in my collection. I will have alternate reviews for records that are on vinyl and CD, and even more alternates for records on cassette, eight-track, DVD-audio, Super Audio disc, VHS, Betamax, Pictograph and Spirogiro.

Pretty awful stuff. But the album reviews more than make up for it in cringeworthy laughs:

Devendra Banhart ? Nino Rojo (6.9 / 10): Now, I?m no Mexican, but I do know that ?Nino Rojo? is Spanish for ?Pink Ninth.? This alwaYs confuses me because there are more than nine tracks on this album. I think. I haven?t really listened to it much recently because I?m over my folk phase. For a while, I couldn?t get enough of that girl with the pretty voice, Devendra Banfart, but then I actually got enough, and now I am content. It?s like a relationship. At first you can?t get enough of the girl, but then she starts inviting you places with her family and they?re all Jew-y and annoying so you really just want to stay home all the time because you can be just as entertained watching porn and cartoons with your new picture-in-picture television set. I don?t own one of those, but I?ve always wanted to. My current television is 13? (soft), with a VCR-drive included. I never really use it though, there?s dust and a dead bug squashed on it. I named the bug J. Mascis because the spatter kinda likes like J in his younger, more virile days. Is this the album that?s an Enhanced-CD? With a terrible stupid music video with one brief shot of Devendra eating mushrooms? How edgy. I like how Devendra loves the band Vetiver and thinks they?re the greatest thing since Debbie went to Dallas, but it?s fascinating how, despite all the times he mentions how wonderful they are, the song that he sings on the Vetiver record is the worst on their album. Speaking of Vetiver, that album is way better than this one. Is anyone even sure what a Vetiver is? It?s a sweater vest or something, right? I used to think those were pretty cool, I asked my old polish neighbor knit me one but it looked like a piece of shit. People laugh at me when I wear it and then I cry. I cry big salty tears like that fat dyke Nancy Kerrigan.

Bardo Pond ? Set And Setting (4.3 / 10): What the fuck happened here, guys (and lady)? You had such a good thing going for you, and then you released this album. ?Walking Stick Man,? which I think is the title of the opening track, is a good song. But once it ends it is all??Ok, we?ve been here before! Cut it out and do something new!? Speaking of new things, I haven?t really bought myself anything new in a long time. Unless you?re talking about food products, and even then I only go out and buy new food every two or three weeks. I get Thomas?s Bagels every Sunday, and Diet Coke by the pallet, but I don?t regularly go grocery shopping. It seems like such an adult thing to do, and really I don?t have the patience for it. I despise waiting on lines. I also despise being in public, or doing anything that could be beneficial for me. That?s why I stopped caring about being in the front row at concerts. You have to stand outside all day and listen to idiots blather on about God knows what. Usually it?s about what other shows they?ve seen, or what tonight?s band played the last time they were in town. Sometimes they even try to talk to you, and I?m incapable of making small talk. I don?t possess whatever chromosome it is that makes you feel empathy, or whatever you call it when you can?t will yourself to care about a single other human being besides yourself. My roommate has this theory that all ?indie? kids like sandwiches. Initially this upset me because I enjoy them. I thought everyone did! But then I realized the word sandwich is derived from the name of some British fuckface who liked to split rolls and cram stuff in there. The fatass probably had a coronary. I usually can?t eat too much and a sandwich so I just order some kind of meat with American cheese. Anything else would get too complicated. No dressings or toppings or anything. Just meat (probably turkey or chicken, but I can?t eat them cold because it?s gross) and only American cheese. They keep all that stuff out in the open all day and it?s probably infested with countless diseases. There?s always flies lingering around food, tainting it when I?m looking or when I?m not looking. And I?m sure people cough on food all day too. Come to think of it, I hate sandwiches. I hate food in general. Wow, thanks a lot, Bardo Pond.

Bedhead ? Beheaded (6.0 / 10): It?s not as interesting as the other ones, but it has some cool moments. I mean, after a while Bedhead just starts to sound like Bedhead, you know? I guess that?s why they broke up after Transaction De Novo. My fingers hurt. This album has some oh MAN, I just totally dropped my book of compact discs all over the place. What a fucking idiot. I hope nothing broke. There are discs all over the floor now. Ya see, this wouldn?t happen if everyone still collected vinyl. It?s impossible to break a 12?. That?s what I used to tell my girlfriend all the time. She was so timid during sex. ?Move around a little, it?s not like you?ll break it!? I used to yell at her. That was before I hit her. It is possible to choke on a 12? though, which is also what I used to tell my girlfriend all the time. She seemed to have an easily-triggered gag reflex. I think. Wait. Does that mean I?m small in the pants? Or big in the pants? I keep getting these e-mails about ?enlarging my penis? by two or three inches. Why the hell would I want to pay $19.95 for three inches when I?ve already got three! Talk about a useless service. I wonder if these guys liked to smoke pot. There?s a song called ?Smoke? and one called ?Burned Out? and if that?s indeed the case I have to say I?m slightly disappointed. I expect way more from Bedhead than drug songs. Anyone can sing about being high. I do it all the time. And by all the time I mean that one time. Too bad it?s one of my catchiest songs. But enough about me, we?re here to review the new Bedhead album, Beheaded. Beheaded. Like Marie Antoinette. Before my grandmother died she used to always swear that she was a direct decedent of Anne Boleyn. I don?t know how the hell she knew, I don?t think she had family records dating back to the 16th century. Come to think of it, I don?t remember much about my grandmother except she was very wrinkly and she didn?t get out of bed. No one really liked her. Supposedly she was mean when she was younger an used to play her children against one another to exert her power over the family. I?m sure had I know her better I would have hated her too. Isn?t that reassuring? Isn?t it so?trite? Isn?t it so boring? Is the world snoring? Is there a girl whoring herself outside my window? Because if she is I?d better go snag her before she offers her services to someone else. I hate sloppy seconds. I love sloppy thirds, though. Isn?t that ironic? Don?t you think? A little TOO ironic? I don?t remember the rest of the words to that song. In conclusion, Bedhead are one of my favorite bands and this review didn?t touch on how much they?ve touched me. On my bathing suit area. I?m saving that for the judge, the jury, and my multi-million dollar lawsuit against the band.

Yup?i was quite the budding blogger, wasn?t I?

[Insert Sigh] Nothing has changed.

Bill Frisell Quartet ? Tales From The Far Side [MP3]

Source: http://www.swanfungus.com/2012/03/viva-la-resistance-excerpts-from-my-first-blog.html

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