Divorce

Over 50 and divorced for almost a year.? Struggling with fear, anxiety, regrets.? Wishing I had done things differently like never getting married.? The entire 10 years was a struggle?.looking back I should have never done it we had problems from the begining.? He was a verbal abuser and I took it to heart.? Before divorcing I found a book about verbal abuse and couldn?t believe I was crying at the first chapter ? it was me.? Always feeling wrong and believing what he said about me.? I hung around another man who was unhappy in his marriage to a friend of mine ? for 3 years!? It wasn?t sexual but an affair of the heart I guess you could say.? It was a symptom of my bad marriage.? I have regrets about that ? wasting that time ?I should have divorced at the beginning of that.? I asked my husband so many times to go to counselling so we could talk, but he just wouldn?t go.? Got to the point after 5 years of marriage that when I tried to talk to him a lump formed in my throat and nothing would come out?..distance distance distance.? Now I bouts of worry, anxiety, depression.? I self medicate too much.? Started smoking again.? The good thing is I know what I have to do.? The bad thing is I cannot seem to do it.? I am trying to start over again today??

I also am still in the house we lived in.? It?s for sale been listed for a year.? I moved to this beach town, his town, when I married.? I have no real friends here?..it is not a very friendly town?.very clique-ish.? The beach is beautiful though.?

I cannot for the life me decide where to live.? I am so afraid of buying a house on my own.? I cannot afford to live on the island, so I need to go offshore or back to my hometown area which I cannot imagine doing.?

Fear fear fear.? Loneliness.? I wish I hope I can find another woman that I can live with so that I am not alone.

I do have a boyfriend currently but he is insecure and that is wreaking havoc as well.?

I must take serious action.

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